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hello livejournal.

i eat way to much yesterday, and it's frustrating me. i feel like a massive huge fat pig. i don't have an eating disorder. but i fucking want to be skinny.. it's something that just tells me, instinctively, that i look huge. i went to see a friend Dan yesterday, and i was really enjoying myself,  which is something that hasn't happened for a long long time. but he said i had like a huge arse and he showed that to everyone, my heart sank because then i knew that everyone was thinking that i had the flabbiest arse in the world. LIKE FUCK I DO. i just want it to go away. today i'm going on a run, a big long run and i'm going to just revise and revise untill my head spins. a coffee and sugar for breakfast, celery for lunch and a jacket for dinner. i'm NOT NOT NOT going to drink any full fat coke anymore :( i can't it's an absolute fat feast, and i just can't do itto myself anymore. kara wants a cigarette, kara needs a cigarette. i will be skinny. just how he always wanted me to look. he'll be admiring my physique from heaven, and he'd say "i'm so proud of her". and yet when he was alive, i was never good enough, never ever. he used to take away my christmas presents, nobody elses- but mine. i shouldn't have the chocolates that he offered round at christmas but the boys could. oh hail brother friend. even now, i wouldn' be good enough, and that's why i need to keep going because i know, that i can, i can make him proud. BMI 16.7 at the moment. I need it down to 15 at least, then i would feel happier. more content. i need to revise now, yes revise revise revise!

i feel as cold as stone.

today i woke up so fucking early. my ex-boyfriend text me last night.. i didn't cry, i held it together even though all the time i was with him HE CHEATED ON ME. that's because i'm nothing, waste of space. and any other girl would be much better than me. nothing i did was ever right for him, i tried so hard, did everything in his best interests. but he still was unfaithful to me. it's because i am SO GOD DAMN HEAVY for fuck sake. jordan's text..

"this is jordan. i don't want to be best friends, i don't want just to be friends, i don't want anything to do with you anymore. you've got untill friday night untill i burn all of the letters and photos and ignore you and act as though you don't exist. if you're going to text back, make sure its my phone"

he's prepared to just never talk to me, never see me, never miss me. and yet i miss him like nothing else in the world. i hate my tub, it must be my tub. i need to GET RID OF IT. it needs to die with my love for that boy. it needs to vanish, vanish into nothing.  i want to feel nothing, absolutely nothing. as my best friend once said "emptied out and hollow inside". that's what i want to be. have no feelings, not for ANYONE. because all it does is hurt you. there is no good in love. there is no love. apart the love of being boney.

bones bones bones bones bones.

kara's going to burn at least 300 cal today. and eat just 100. that's a plan.

 I took this picture this morning. i've only been eating little bits that i've been forced. on sunday my boyfriend finished with me, after 10 and a half months. i'm convinced it's because i am fat and need to loose weight. i've been fine, having no thoughts of loosing weight untill my my boyfriend slowly started to become un interested in me. he now loves this girl who is stick stick thin. i wish i was her. i wish he'd want me, like he wants her. i'm worthless. nothing at all is left of me. he took it all- i loved him. more than anything, more than being thin. and now he doesn't love me because i'm not thin. however, i am starting to take control again. and i'm going to do it for me. i threw up all over the weekend: heartbreak. i'm so lonely. gah some days i just wish i wern't alive.


Okay, so i made this profile today. Ill and off school and shit as usual. I came across this persons profile called "tink" on here. I read every word she said. After that I decided to make my own, so here I am now. I am finding loosing weight hard, and also this whole profile/posting system.. so any tips on anything and i'll be really thankful for your advise :)

see ya, kara. x




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